I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
