You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Randomize
