I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I have feelings that need drinking.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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