i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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