just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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