We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
