i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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