I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
