I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
