I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it because I queefed?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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