she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
