Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
