Its about making memories worth repressing
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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