apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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