You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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