I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
