fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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