Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
