Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
