Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
