I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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