My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
