she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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