Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
