she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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