for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
