She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
