JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
