So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
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This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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