I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I think your dad took our porno
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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