toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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