People in love make me want to vomit
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
