I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
