im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
