I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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