I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
