Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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