I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
