I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
