EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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