I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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