I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
