I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
