I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
