I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
