Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
