i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
