Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
