Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
