from now on my penis is your penis
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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