considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
