i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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