mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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