I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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