Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
