i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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