I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize