I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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