I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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