I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize