I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
